Monday, August 27, 2012

The Perfect Candidate For President of the United States

I’ve long since held that the office of President of the United States of America is by far one of the most challenging jobs in the world. You have to be everything to everyone. You   must be an expert in every culture and language, a brilliant economist and public speaker and list goes on. No matter what you do, someone isn’t happy. If something goes wrong, it is your fault.  How is one person supposed to be qualified to handle a job this difficult?
They must be prequalified, able to hit the ground running, fearless and ready to handle anything. Knowing how important the presidency is, should we choose a brilliant orator, or a successful business man, an idealist, or common every day Joe? 
I would like to propose a different kind of candidate, one who is already trained to handle long hours, a diversity of tasks, and a never ending stream of criticism. This candidate is also a seasoned economist and flawless negotiator.  This candidate is any half decent mom with a few years of experience under her belt.
Think about it.  A mom lives within a tight budget and still manages to have some left over to handle any crisis that might arise. She can take a room full of squabbling kids and get them to agree on TV programming, menu’s and other such important issues.
Imagine what she could do with a divided congress, especially if she fed them first.   A mom has already dealt with foreign affairs and power hungry tyrants every time she’s volunteered for the PTO. Somehow, she manages all of this and without the aid of hired advisors and Czars. 
Moms are not only effective; they are a force to be reckoned with.  One glare sent over Skype to a foreign leader and they wouldn’t dare think of challenging the United States. And what about military decisions you might ask?  Moms are approached daily to decide what is fair and who is at fault, most importantly, Moms always know when you are lying. Imagine how handy that skill would be when working with foreign leaders and lobbyists. When Iran tells us they are only building those odd shaped factories to create low cost power, a mom wouldn’t have to waste good money on intelligence Intel, she’d just know.
I could go on forever about the qualifications of a mom, but more than likely, you’ve had one of your own and I don’t need to continue. You know mom is that one that keeps things running smoothly, the finder of all lost articles and keeper of schedules. 
Men please don’t be offended. You’ve done a great job, but now it’s time to let a real professional take over.  Come November 6, 2012, when you go to the poles, take that pen and write in MOM for President. She’ll have the United States of America whipped back into shape in no time.

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

How to Spice up the DMV and Get the Government Out of Debt at the Same Time.

Today  I spent two hours in the Department of Motor Vehicles with my sixteen year old son.  All the usual suspects were sitting around waiting their turn, the nervous teenager, the little old lady that has to sit on phone books to see over the dash, the middle aged business woman with a blue tooth in her ear. Over the loudspeaker, numbers droned on, now serving A084, now serving AO84 and so on and so on.

The whole experience was so government. No wonder the government is in the middle of a financial crisis, they run their business as if they enjoy torturing people and wasting money.  Then it hit me, the government has a budget crisis and I have a solution to help them. Why not take the captive audience of the DMV and use them to make money.  Here are a few simple ideas.

1.      For a fee, provide a full body massage while they wait for their number to be called. If well received, facials could added later.

2.      For a flat rate or quarters, create a game room where frustrated customers could play games like Grand Theft Auto, or Need for Speed (as an example of what not to do, of course)

3.       Have a small bookstore where patrons could purchase books. After school, maybe provide a story time for little Jonny while his mom pays for her 100’s of dollars in parking fines.

4.      Play number bingo using the next in line ticket numbers. Every person gets a card when they walk through the door. If they get bingo, their fees are paid for by the state. The bingo cards are laminated and reusable. A bin will be placed by each exit to drop the bingo cards off as you leave much like 3d glasses at a movie theater.

5.      Place a spinning karaoke stage in the middle of the floor. Use the TVs normally used for giving safety driving tips to display the words of the song in case the audience wants to join in. Charge by the song. Plus, if someone is really bad, there will the added benefit of clearing the place out so employees can go home early.

6.      Put in a nail and hair salon. Customers can get their hair done, getting cut or colored between windows and they will feel a lot more relaxed.

7.      Finally, provide a bar and grill charging the outrageous prices usually found in stadiums and movie theaters. If patrons drink too much and then get in their cars to drive, police officer’s can be stationed just outside the DMV to catch them making further money on fines in addition to taking a potential menace off the roads.

So there they are-my ideas to improve your DMV experience and make the government money. If in ten years (that’s how long it will take to get through red tape) you go into a DMV and find a karaoke stage and a bar, you’ll know…well you’ll know I’ve been involvedJ

Monday, August 13, 2012

Why I have Chandelier Envy

First off, I must explain that I live in Arizona. It’s a desert. For anyone who might not already know this, Arizona has two seasons, warm and boiling. I am a firm believer that when the bible speaks of sending people to a burning hell, it is in fact alluding to the fact that the bad people of this world will eventually be sent to Arizona in the summer with no air conditioning!!
You get the point.
So the other day I was sitting at my counter, sweating despite the fact that the overhead fan was working its little fan guts out to give me some relief when I was struck by a question. How many fans do I have in my house? Out of curiosity or a total inability to stay focused on what I was writing, I took a little stroll through the house and counted fans. Twenty. I counted twenty fans currently being used on a daily basis. I started realizing there were big ones overhead and small ones on tables.  High one and low ones, white ones and red ones. It was like a bad Dr. Suess fan story.  I was embarrassed to discover that I had three, count them three fans in the bathroom because there is nothing worse than your makeup melting off as you’re putting it on (true story). 
I even have a overhead fan in the bedroom I’ve given the name Bob, which isn’t that weird considering I name frogs that we find in the pool Bob. However, Bob, in this case stands for B-BIG O-OLD B-BLOWER because Bob is the biggest size fan you can buy (70 inch blade!!). BOB ROCKS, but it is a little awkward when my husband asks me to turn on Bob just before we lay down to go to bed, mostly because I’m not that kind of girl!
So after counting all my fans, and sweating as I did so, I had a terrifying thought. I’m doomed to having fans as light fixtures for the rest of my life. Some of you might say, so what. Some of you that are practical like my husband would take function over beauty any day. Don’t get me wrong, I’m grateful for my little spinning friends, but just once I would love to look up and see a chandelier dangling down sending little shards of light this way and that- Or I’d take a big old sixties style bamboo light casting a soft glow on my kitchen table. I’d even be thrilled with an old meter lamp like my dad used to have next to the bedside. Anything fun and funky, because for some reason lighting is my thing and while IKEA may provide me with choices my hot climate does not. Do I appreciate my fans, I do, but now you know why I dream of chandelier’s I’ll never have. The question I leave you with is what quirky thing you live with in your house and what do dream of changing?

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

Ten Things An Olympian Might Be Thinking About Just Before They Compete

Now before I go any further, I have to be clear about one thing. I think anyone who makes it to the Olympics is a rock star , a true champion and competitor and I both respect and envy them.  However, tonight, I had a little fun writing my post. So here it is.

Ten Things An Olympian Might Be Thinking About Just Before They Compete.

1.     A swimmer- Look at my body, I work out…I’m sexy and I know it.

2.     A gymnast-  I wonder if they can see my sparkle hairspray in the nosebleed section?

3.     A discus thrower-  Oh no, I feel a sneeze coming on.

4.     A badminton player-  See, I told you badminton was a real sport.

5.     A rowing captain- Row, Row, Row, your boat, “Why can’t I get that *&$^# song out of my head?

6.     A ping-pong player- Forrest Gump would be so proud.

7.     A Golf player- I hope I don’t hit a bird with my ball again, those nature freaks got so upset last time.

8.     A Javelin thrower- Waiting for my event to start makes me so mad that I just want to throw something!

9.     Hammer dude- I hope they don’t figure out that I’m really Thor, that would really blow my cover


10.                A Soccer player- I wonder if they can fit the whole team on the front of the Wheaties Box. I want to be in the front?